The Toxicity Behind Your Partner Giving You The Silent Treatment (& What You Can Do About It)
Arguments between romantic partners are common, but through heartfelt conversation, empathy, and genuine caring, they can find a way to work through their problems. So what do you do when your partner allows no room for any type of conversation, let alone a heartfelt one? If your partner intentionally withdraws from all interaction and shuts you out for extended periods of time — while remaining perfectly talkative with others — then you are on the receiving end of the silent treatment.
Licensed psychologist Kristin Davin of Choosing Therapy describes the silent treatment as "a means of punishment, emotional manipulation, or control," which, if not properly addressed, can lead to "emotional abuse," per YouTube. Of course, it's important to recognize the difference between taking a break from an argument and the silent treatment. According to trauma-informed relationship therapist Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, "Taking a break during an argument, especially if your [nervous system is] feeling dysregulated, can be a healthy coping skill for anyone in a relationship. The silent treatment is not necessarily taking a break — rather, it is a form of emotional abuse that denies connection with another person," (via Well+Good).
So, how can you tell the difference between the two? Well, it all boils down to your partner's intention. While the absence of communication can give them some space to think clearly until they can calmly resolve the dispute, the silent treatment is their way of manipulating the situation by punishing or shaming you into giving them what they want, which is often an apology or to give in to their demands.
Why does your partner give you the silent treatment?
A 2013 research study published in Communication Monographs indicates that both men and women may resort to the silent treatment, which can lead to reduced intimacy and increased anxiety. While not as detrimental as your partner threatening to break up all the time, the silent treatment can even be a toxic form of abuse when used to control someone. There are many reasons why a person may choose this method of dealing with their significant other, according to Kristin Davin.
"One, they often may not know how to manage their feelings," she explains, per YouTube. "Two, they could be experiencing significant pain and feel emotionally overwhelmed and flooded. Three, they might have experienced childhood trauma which can sometimes lead to unhealthy emotional responses such as shutting down and giving people the silent treatment. And four, they might use it as a passive-aggressive approach to trigger reactive abuse from their partner."
Of course, it is also quite possible that your partner doesn't know how to express what they are feeling properly, and hence, opts to shut down instead. Additionally, if your partner is struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), they might prefer to avoid confrontations that will trigger negative emotions. In this respect, the silent treatment becomes their coping mechanism. One last thing to keep in mind is that parents can also use the silent treatment with their children so your partner could very well be showing a learned behavior from a caretaker, unaware of how their actions (or, rather, lack thereof) impact the relationship.
What can you do when your partner is giving you the silent treatment?
Illinois-based licensed professional counselor Amber Williams, LCPC, advises against positively reinforcing the behavior by giving in and pleading with your partner, as this will only make matters worse. "Give the person some space, don't escalate, don't assume responsibility for the other person's actions, assert your boundaries, consider the reasoning behind their motives, and seek out support from a friend or family member," she tells Well+Good.
It's important to note that you don't deserve to receive the silent treatment. Remember that your partner may be unaware of how their behavior is impacting the relationship, so discussing this with them is paramount and a form of setting boundaries.
When discussing with your partner, use "I" statements that allow you to express your emotions in a non-accusatory way. For example, instead of saying, "Your behavior is hurtful," you can say something like, "I feel hurt when you choose not to talk to me." It is equally important to call out the behavior in a non-aggressive way. This can be done by saying, "I noticed that you haven't talked to me in a while, and I can feel that something is bothering you. I would like us to discuss things and find a way to fix them." If your partner never apologizes, even after a heartfelt conversation, or continues to subject you to the silent treatment after you have let them know how it affects you, then you should reconsider whether this relationship is really right for you.